Thursday, 2 July 2009

We've only gone and bloody released a new album on iTunes

Sorry about the delay - we got distracted by Twitter (@amateursuman / @amateuradam) but we know where we really belong. On a good old-fashioned, difficult-to-remember-to-update blog.

Anyhow, our new live album is up on iTunes now. You can hopefully click to it here. It's on Amazon mp3 as well over here if you'd rather.

It's the best of our songs from the last few years, plus plenty of new stuff. We've popped a few tracks from the new album on YouTube (as well as a little Michael Jackson tribute - it's what he would have wanted...)

50% of our royalty goes to Macmillan Cancer Support.

Sunday, 12 April 2009

Disaster Egg

I thought I was being organised, buying an Easter egg a month early.

It was quite a posh one and I thought it would be the perfect gift.
The egg looked stunning; wonderfully decorated.

When I got it home, I studied it through the box - it was magnificently detailed, like a bronze statue.

But I stupidly left it out in the kitchen.

The sun doesn't get very strong there; however I didn't consider that the plastic packaging would act like a lens, focusing the sunlight into the box.

You'll notice there's a sizeable "exit" burn in the back of the egg as well.

I can't give this away now.

I don't know what to do with it.

No idea.

Oh well...

Happy Chocolate Day Easter everyone

Saturday, 28 February 2009


Apparently blogs are *so* 2003. So as we can keep right up the moment, we've also joined Twitter. (EDIT - which is apparently already *so* 2008)

Follow us at amateuradam and amateursuman, and follow the mundane and banal intricacies of our ongoing lives, if that's what you're into.

Thursday, 12 February 2009

You see

I forgot my password for Blogger, and it asked me the security question to get my password back, and it was "What is your dog's name?" but I don't have a dog - I must have panicked when it asked me for a security question, so I had to email the tech people at Blogger, and they took ages to reply. I'm sorry, alright? Here's your blog entry:

We're super-crazy-busy at the moment recording and mastering and whatnot for a new live album. As a cheeky little taster, here's a brand new exciting and exclusive track:

Christmas Number 12

We've popped it into the Musical Comedy Awards 2009, and we'll appreciate it a bundle if you could take the time to vote for it. Thank you thank you thank you.

I'll be back soon. And, in case I forget, I'll write it here - the name of my imaginary dog is "bundleoflovefeaturescoochycoochydogface". How could I have forgotten that?

Monday, 22 December 2008

Thank Goodness

What's that?

You haven't heard enough versions of Hallelujah yet?

Well, we've done this one:

...and there's this one too:

You're welcome!

Monday, 17 November 2008

Amateur Transplants release a single!

So the news is this:

We are releasing the punky, funky new recording of London Underground as a single on iTunes today!

Why you should buy it:

- It is the only Amateur Transplants track you can currently (and probably ever) buy online & add to your digital music collection.

- ABSOLUTELY ALL the money made is going to charity - Macmillan Cancer Support.

- If the tunes sells more than 2000 downloads this week, it will get into the charts.
- If it gets into the charts they will HAVE to play it on the radio.
- If they play it on the radio (bleeped out, of course)... well, just imagine sitting in a traffic jam with the radio on, everyone in neighbouring cars swearing their heads off...!

So head over to iTunes & buy yourself a copy TODAY , and then tell everyone you know to buy it this week - blog it, forward emails, do what you can... you can have the London Underground song as your ringtone again!

But help raise money for charity and get singalong swearing on the radio!!

EDIT: here's the iTunes link:

-S & A-
PS it's based on weekly sales, so we're pushing for everyone to buy it THIS WEEK! Go go go!!

Friday, 14 November 2008

Not Forgotten

It's been a stressful few weeks.
I've started work at a new hospital.

Day 1 was admin.
They lost the forms I'd posted them so I had to fill them all in again. Dozens of them.
They weren't easy questions either - who can remember the postcodes for their last 5 addresses?
(The sudoku was fairly easy, but I suspect it fell in amongst the paperwork by accident.)
They rang me the next day to say they'd found my original forms. Cheers - does that mean I'd get paid twice?

The Occupational Nurse couldn't read the results of my recent blood tests because she couldn't find her glasses - so she tried to take blood from me instead! She did manage to hit a vein first time but I don't think it was the one she was aiming for.

Then the IT guy talked us through the hospital systems for hours, like we were 5-year olds. He stood at the front of the room, pacing forwards & backwards - and didn't notice me humming the Hokey Cokey.

He ended with "Of course, this is just a training system - it's completely different on the wards". Meh.

The Resuscitation Officer showed us how to use the hospital's defibrillators - and had an ED209 moment (Robocop anyone?) when the automated defib he was demonstrating in "safety mode" refused to shut off and started counting down to deliver a massive electric shock to the poor volunteer.
Whose heart didn't need a massive electric shock at that moment in time. Close though...

At the weekend I started my on-calls - it's tricky enough trying to find your way round a massive, unfamiliar hospital in a hurry, but what hope have you got if you pass through a doorway on Floor 2 and find yourself on Floor 1? (which reminds me, I haven't played Portal for ages)

Anyway, to put it into some kind of perspective, I'm writing this on a bumpy, overcrowded train to Wales in the rush hour - and I'm finding it very relaxing.

But the main news is:

Set an alarm, tattoo it on your face, whatever - but make sure you check out the blog on Monday.

There will be another,
VERY important,
blog post.

See you then
Suman x

Sunday, 26 October 2008


We're now only Google hit number five for London Underground

On the plus side, we're the number one hit for Unfit to Practise...

Sunday, 19 October 2008

Sticky Situations

In a fall-back to the style of the old Amateur Transplants Blog, I thought I'd share with you my unusual week.

It started, as such stories do, far, far away.
In this case twenty thousand kilometers away.

The flight from London, England to Wellington, New Zealand had been a long one.

I won't go into why I had had to travel as far away from home as physically possible* - go on pedant, Google it - and no I wasn't trying to escape an especially noxious fart - but let's just say that it had taken a bloody long time to get there and soon enough I set off home again.

Like the journey there, the trip back took us in a 180 degree arc. But for reasons probably best understood by flight experts and migratory birds, we didn't take the obvious route on the map but flew closer to the North Pole, flying over Greenland's capital (which must have been named by a catarrhal Batman fan, 'cos it's name is Godthab City) and into Heathrow from the North.

By the end of the thirty-one hour journey back (if you include the Tube home from Heathrow, which of course was worse than the 1 + 12 + 11-hour plane rides) I was exhausted.

The relief I felt, finally staggering up to the door of my flat and finding it was open was short-lived as I realised that I'd been burgled. It did take me a few seconds to cotton on because I had done all my packing for the trip in a bit of a last-minute frenzy and there was stuff everywhere. Well, almost everywhere - there was, for example, a suspiciously TV-shaped space.

So I spent ages on the phone to the police, insurers, etc. Before finally falling into the deep coma I had been looking forward to all week...

It is no secret that Anaesthetists are the ninjas of the hospital. But even we need to be taught our skills. The ability to numb & paralyse selective parts of the human body requires training (especially for it to be done on purpose.. ahem...)

So not long after I had gone to bed, I had to drag my very sorry ass out of bed again and haul myself over to the other side of London for the Nerve Block course I had cleverly booked myself onto for the day after I arrived back.

Luckily it started out very gradually with a few lectures.
(Yes, even ninjas have to suffer Powerpoint sometimes)

This was followed by needling practice. With deft skill and an ultrasound probe, we manouevred our needle-tips into very precise places - first practicing on a big lump of gel with a few fake nerves & blood vessels hidden within, then into pieces of meat - a raw chicken, a leg of beef.

And then came a buffet lunch. Mostly chicken & beef.

After lunch (and this was foresight at it's greatest) we were led to the dissection room.

If you are a non-medic, your formal anatomy education will probably have come from school books, Professor von Haagens' TV show & the internet. If you are a medical student, you will have also have seen a few prosected specimens and have undergone "Living Anatomy", ie the chance for you to "study" the fit girl/guy in your class that, in normal circumstances, you would never have had a hope of seeing in just their underwear, let alone drawing over their half-naked body.

However, if you are a doctor reading this, you will probably have spent several hours a week in the dissection room. You will have been given a body at the start of the year and, as term progressed, you will have hacked it to shreds wondering what the hell everything is supposed to be carefully dissected away the individual muscles, nerves, blood vessels & bones, wondering at the miracle of life.**

And you will understand that dissection stinks. Not necessarily as a practice but the preservative the bodies/body parts are kept in - formalin. The smell is indescribable (thankfully, so I won't bother). But it's strong, chemical and unshakeable. Despite wearing gloves & full body aprons as we examined different nerves & landmarks on these bodies, we each went home with clothes impregnated with this horrid smell.

Which on the plus side at least got me a seat on the tube home.

I hadn't studied the timetable - so I was quite surprised when I turned up for day two because the entrance hall looked like it could be the waiting room for a Page 3 shoot.

The course organiser had arranged (presumably through a mate-of-a-mate) for us all to practice on a bunch of models.

Actual female models.

Models, one would assume, of the tits-out, "glamour" variety. I assume this because none of them appeared to have the demeanour you'd expect of clothes/fashion show models. Less delicately put - none of them had the face for proper modelling. (Stereotypical I know, but you weren't there.)

Anyway, in his genius, the course director provided 15 models between 60 of us to practice our ultrasound skills on. The fact that they were far slimmer than any patient we would ever encounter was irrelevant - probably balanced out by the fact that there was hardly any subcutaneous fat to deal with so it was actually much easier to see the different nerve groups and to learn how to find all the nerves properly.

Because of course we were all concentrating. Not at all distracted by the undressed blonde with translucent ultrasound gel slowly dripping down her lower back (epidural placement) or, reclining, wiping goo from her groin (femoral nerve block).

No, there's nothing titillating at all about seeing a half-naked woman wiping sticky mess off her belly (transversus abdominal plane block) or gunk off her chin (er... supraclavicular block but someone had been a bit over-enthusiastic with the gel).

You just don't get teaching like this on the NHS...

* short of stowing away aboard a space shuttle
** alternative approches are to never show up or to become vegetarian

Friday, 10 October 2008

It's A Small World

Another drunken blog post.

Picture this - it's mid-afternoon on a Friday.

But as fate would have it, I'm actually in Wellington, New Zealand.

It's nearly 3am in the morning.
Adam has gone to bed.
I'm drunker than I've been in well over a year.
I'm in my 6th nightclub of the night.
To my left is a guy I haven't seen since I met him randomly in Toronto on a night out 7 years ago.
To my right is a guy who I auditioned to replace as the singer in a soul band when he left Birmingham, UK, 4 years ago.

I've spent the evening matching alcohol and Red Bull with a guy who's named after 4 different Hindu gods.

I have exams & assessment looming.
I'm 20 000 miles away from my amazing girlfriend.

I'm attending an International Anaesthetic Conference in the morning.

And I'm hungry.

And I need the loo once again, excuse me.

Ho hum... it's funny how life pans out... ordinarilly, I would have been in London at work right nw, not on the other side of the world.

How are you?
Are you enjoying the new album?

Love & drunken hugs Suman

Friday, 12 September 2008

Unfit To Practise is on sale!

Our difficult second album is finally ready!

After recording & editing the songs and then perfecting the artwork over the last few months, it is such a bloody relief that it's all complete!

If you're on our mailing list, you'll have already been informed that you can buy it here.

30 tracks (plus 2 not-very-well-hidden bonus tracks) of pure twisted humour & love, squeezed straight out of Adam & myself...

We sold 29 in the first minute that the CD was on sale, which is probably some kind of record...
So place your order for the new Amateur Transplants CD... NOW!

Thursday, 21 August 2008

Cock Tales

Excellent news - our mate (& compere to our London shows) Mike Wozniak has been nominated for Best Newcomer at the comedy awards at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival! Which just goes to show where 6 long years of medical school and hard work for postgraduate exams can get you...

He tells a few... er... male genital-orientated stories in his set; I was quite amused that, when one of the audience members sitting near me whispered "What's that?" to her neighbour, Mike kindly furnished her with some rather graphic detail - unaware that she's actually a Urologist (a.k.a A Cock Doc) who had just misheard his previous sentence!

The last few shows that Adam & I did went really well. It seems that we had a larger proportion of fans at those final gigs - people not only mouthing the words but even singing along to songs; I was quite surprised that there were a couple of people who were joining in with the new songs that we'd never performed before Edinburgh - I think they must've already seen the show earlier in the week and come back for more! Fair enough...

So Mike's still there performing every night. Meanwhile Adam & I are at work again. I've finally got my voice back. It had started to tire after a while; I found that alcohol wasn't helping loosen my vocal cords on stage - I'd tried whisky, dry cider... the only thing that helped was my own concoction of a glass of hot but not boiling water, with a slice of lime in it. It was only when I'd realised where I'd seen it before that I came up with a name for it: The Fingerbowl.

3-days off now - hurrah for the long weekend!

Sunday, 17 August 2008

Riddle me ree

My first is in dickhead but isn't in cunt
My second's in dickhead but isn't in cunt
My third is in dickhead but it is in cunt
My fourth is in dickhead but isn't in cunt
My fifth, sixth and seventh in dickhead, not cunt
My eighth is in dickhead but isn't in cunt.

What am I?

Thursday, 14 August 2008

Edinburgh First of all

It's been going very well here. We've done 4 nights so far of 2 shows each to full houses. The audiences have loved the new stuff & we're having a lot of fun performing. Although the trombone is now going to have to become a permanent feature of the act...

Given that we're on at prime time in the evening/night, I've only managed to see a handful of other Fringe shows, daytime or late-night. They've mostly been good - although one was improved when the fire alarm went off & the building had to be evacuated; but then we were surrounded by dozens of people with flyers, telling us, captive, about their shows. Was it a cunning marketing ploy? Adam made a joke about a "Flyer alarm". I laughed.

The best show I've seen has been our mate & compere Mike Wozniak, who is destined for greatness. Remember, you saw him here first.

The rest of the time I've been exploring Edinburgh. On day one I ate a deep-fried haggis pastie, thus getting all of Scottish cuisine out of the way in one go. I've also been out to a few bars - last night I was standing next to a fairly-well known very confident rising star* & overheard he was upset about a bad review...

One of the best bits of this trip is that we're off work - after all, this is my summer holiday - so I don't have to get up at 6am. This week, I've gone out every night & woken up about midday in an unfamiliar bed with an unfamiliar female next to me. Admittedly it's just my landlady's cat.

I know nothing about cats. I was quite pleased to learn that I am not fatally allergic to cats. My landlady's have been brought up on nothing but opera; so I'm not sure whether I should feel guilty that I have introduced them to funk & hip-hop - in any case, I never knew that cats could dance so well.

Three more nights of shows. It can only go better than last night when, by sheer coincidence & for the first time ever, I had not one, but two ex-girlfriends* in the audience! I didn't know where to look... But it's OK, I managed to address songs to both of them equally..;o)

Right, I'm going to look for a deep-fried Mars bar & an apple... wonder which one I'll find first...?

(*not telling you who)

Friday, 8 August 2008

Take The High Road

Adam & I are playing at the Edinburgh Festival together for the first time since 2005.

Despite being well-prepared in the run-up (regarding the venue, advertising, rehearsals etc.)it's all started to go a bit wrong leaving London today... I expected difficulties in using the Tube at rush hour and anticipated the additional problems of bringing along a large rucksack. But the trombone reduced my manoeuverability considerably. As did the digital piano.

Well, we're on the train to Scotchland now. After a ticketing fuck-up, Adam is sitting on the floor at the other end of the train carriage.
I, on the other hand, have drawn the short straw. I'm sitting one seat behind a screaming baby.

[40 minutes later]
Oh Lordy. Why won't he stop?
It's as if he's only just learnt how to scream and now he's testing out all the various options.
Why doesn't the mother do something?

Ew. The mother has done something.
And now I'm creeped out.

Now, I don't object to breastfeeding in public. (Or in private.)
And I can't even see the mum in the seat in front of me.
But this kid is STARING at me. He's looking right at me while he's feeding. Why has he got his eyes open anyway? Isn't it like kissing, you have to shut your eyes?

Anyway, Adam & I are playing two shows a night for the next week. We'll hopefully post on the blog a few times while we're up here.

(Show starts tomorrow but there's still lots to do today when we get to Edinborough - I haven't changed any money or had my jabs.)


Sunday, 13 July 2008

Is this microphone live?

You know the idea of a sound-check; turn up a bit early - test the piano, say 'one, two' quite a lot into the microphones and work on the levels. Time-consuming, tedious, but part of the job. And not usually life-threatening.

At a gig last night where we discovered during the sound-check that the microphones carried a significant electrical charge. So much so that getting within a centimetre of the mic resulted in a little blue cunty arc of electricity firing into my lip.

This quirk was unfortunately uncorrectable prior to the gig, so our swearing during the performance was more frequent, less predictable and much more heart-felt than ever. Bzzzzt - FUCK!

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

It's Good For You

You've enjoyed your "A Taste Of Adam & Suman" chocolates...

... but what about that unwelcome aftertaste, hmmm?

May I offer you one of these?


Sunday, 22 June 2008

So you're:

a) hungry, but too lazy to chew. You want Meat water

b) slightly malevolant, and want to wander round the world turning off TVs. You want TV B Gone.

c) keen to buy cement blocks from an extremely angry man. Here you go.

d) a priest wanting to pep up a sermon. You want to include some of the nuts bits of the Bible.

e) after a hotel room that looks like a cartoon. And here it is.

I think that's everything covered.

Friday, 20 June 2008


I fell asleep reading last night, and stuttered awake about 3am to turn off the light. I was unnerved when I spotted that the bedroom walls and ceiling were caked in a forest of tiny - yet evil - green insects. I presumed I was hallucinating and went off to sleep.

This morning, it would seem that they were in fact very real. For reasons I can't explain they are all dead now. Maybe it was a suicide pact. In case it's still pretty revolting. The entire floor surface of my flat looks like this.

Whilst I'm more than happy to hoover the bastards up today, I can't make this part of my daily routine. Will it happen again? Why my flat? What are they? Will it be a plague of locusts tomorrow?

In other news, Dr Raj Persaud looks like he'll be struck off today for plagiarism. Just a general question - does taking someone's song and changing the words count as plagiarism?

Thursday, 12 June 2008

Merchandise - part 2

Sorry for the delay - there's lots going on. Lots of exciting things that we can tell you about very soon, but we can't tell you just yet.

Anyhow, I can tell you about lanyards. Lanyards are the things that go round your neck to which you attach your ID badge at work. More specifically, I can tell you about Amateur Transplants lanyards.

Following a flippant post about producing some merchandise there seemed to be some genuine interest in buying branded products. We're testing the water with these Paracetamoxy-lanyards.

They're actually really lovely - have a look. Even better, buy a couple - two for a fiver. Amateur Shop.

Friday, 30 May 2008

Living La Vida Tesco

Between night shifts, I sometimes sleep in the on-call room during the day.

One time I forgot my wash bag; so I nipped out to the nearest supermarket to get some toiletries. I went for the cheapest - after all, they were just to use as a one-off so that I'd be clean & fresh for work later that evening.

Big mistake.

There's a reason it was so cheap.
There's a reason it only cost 70p
(for the lot).

For a start, the shower gel smelt like dying leaves (not in any kind of nice way). Actually, maybe it was more like a wet dog. It was blue-green, sticky and really difficult to wash off. The only thing it had going for it was that it tasted marginally better than the toothpaste.

I have no idea what the toothpaste was meant to taste of. It can't have been mint.

The cardboard packaging was more effective than either toothbrush at getting rid of the taste of both of the above.

And the sight of "Value Razors: £0.27" should've set off alarm bells (in the same way that you'd have second thoughts if you saw a sign advertising "Free Piercing" or "Inexperienced Surgeon").

Stupidly, I let the "Twin Blade Technology" fool me into thinking they might work at all. To get rid of 2 days-worth of chin stubble, I had to use 3 disposable razors.

Disposable. Wish I'd thrown the lot away instead of using any of it...

Sunday, 25 May 2008

Drunken, Disorganised...

I'm on night shifts & I'm taking a very quick break for a much-needed sit down & a glass of water.

I must've cleaned my hands with alcohol gel about a gazillion times tonight (it's a Pavlovian respose to all the "clever" posters covering almost every flat surface in the hospital).

Anyway, I was wondering: - is it possible to get drunk from the additive effects of all the tiny amounts of alcohol I've absorbed through my skin?
I'm sure it isn't (I feel abs'lutely fine, Ociffer) but I haven't got time to check Google for research studies to make absolutely sure.

If you're having trouble sleeping, why don't you have a look and let me know?

Right, back to work
(er... I think I'll just get myself another glass of water first)


PS. For heaven's sake, don't read the post below this one, it's truly revolting.

Friday, 23 May 2008

Upsettingly, this is a true story

A very bad thing has happened. Yuk.

I went out for a bite of dinner with the excellent stand-up comic, my mate Mike Wozniak. We went to Highgate, which is nice. The journey home involved walking to Archway, which is horrid. We stopped for once last drink at The Lion pub.

When Mike's pint was finished, an older (but not obviously trampish) chap came over and gave him a pint of Carling. "Here - it's for you", he wheezed. "I bought it for my friend, but he's left now... It's clean".

Obviously we discussed whether or not Mike should drink it - particularly in view of the "it's clean" comment. Mike drank an inch or so before he noticed that the man was doing something odd with his own pint of Guinness. With a syringe.

The man was performing the following routine:
1. Drawing up 20ml of Guinness from his glass into a syringe
2. Injecting the Guinness up a catheter tube and through his exposed cock
3. Waiting a minute or so
4. Drawing the Guinness (plus wee and bladder sediment presumably) back into the syringe
5. Squirting syringe back into pint
6. Drinking from pint glass
7. Repeat

We assumed - presumably correctly - that he had used the same bladder irrigation technique for Mike's pint. Mike made himself vomit, and we spent the journey home discussing the possible diseases that could have be transmitted.

Tuesday, 20 May 2008

Two things

Back from holiday.

It was lovely, thank you. Not quite tanned, but definitely off-white. (To be quite precise - and assuming the Dulux Colour Chart is a recognised scale - I'm Mill Flower W 142.)

I have learned two things whilst away.

First thing: the phrase about not judging a book by its cover does not apply to rural Spanish cafes. They should be judged.

Second thing: if you're at a spa you may well find yourself fresh out of the pool and lying on a heated sun lounger. This sensation of strange and localised warmth may prompt you to mention to your partner that it feels like you've shat yourself. Your partner will then point out that you have in fact shat yourself. This is embarrassing to explain to the spa staff. (I think the heat changes may have adversely affected my anal auto-regulation.)

PS. At time of press, a dozen tickets left for next week's Amateur Transplants and Enemies gig if you fancy - clickety tickety.

Saturday, 17 May 2008

Photo Call

In response to your requests, here is a Facebook page where you can share Amateur Transplants gig photos to your heart's content. There's also the option to comment on them... (for now...)

In other news:

- Adam is away on holiday, so I doubt the rubber plant is still alive (I think it may actually be made of rubber anyway)

- Meanwhile, I've been on-call, mostly trying to glue people back together in the middle of the night - so it figures that if fewer of you stabbed each other, I'd have more time to update the blog... it's a give & take thing...

- "Unfit for Practice" is still unfit for release... think of it like a Japanese blowfish, that would kill you if you had it when it wasn't ready...

- The CD/DVD ordering page doesn't like it if you have your pop-up blocker enabled on Internet Adventurer (because it's a pop-up) so try turning it off.
(Don't forget to turn the pop-up blocker back on after you've placed your order before surfing elsewhere...)

So get on Facebook if you have, or would like to see, any nice gig photos.
I've put a few up to start you off.


Friday, 2 May 2008


If you're a sex offender but the authorities haven't cottoned on and popped you on the register, are you a Pre-Registration Sex Offender (PRSO)?

In Leeds for a gig and it somehow occurred to me...

Sunday, 27 April 2008

Anyone knows an ant can't

My rubber plant is unwell. I don't know what to do - nor does Google. And Gardener's Question Time is completely out of my league. 

One by one its lower leaves are turning yellow and dropping off.  I'm doing all the right things - plenty of light, watering once a week (always with water, never with petrol) - you're my last hope.

I have in the back of my mind the maxim that one shouldn't trust a doctor whose office plants are dead. 

(A more powerful maxim is that one shouldn't trust a doctor whose receptionist is dead.)

Saturday, 26 April 2008

Gone to Iceland

FACT: London Underground was played last week at Bjork's concert before she came on stage.

FACT: Last time I was at a Bjork concert, I left not long after she came on stage...

Wednesday, 16 April 2008

From the mailbag

Clearing through a massive heap of papers at home I rediscovered my folder labelled 'Lunatics'.

A few years ago, before things took off and CD distribution was handled by - well - professionals, I used to mail them out from home. People would send their cheques, often alongside a breast photocopy/death threat/terrible poem/insane scrawl - and I would file them in the Lunatics folder. In the event that one of them did in fact kill me the police might have something to go on.

I quite like this one: no access to a cheque-book has meant that this correspondent has provided me with Trebor Xtra strong mints and an Argos pen in return for the CD. I'm not quite sure which of us got the better deal with this. 

Sunday, 13 April 2008

Sweets for my sweet

Going extremely well with the luxury bespoke chocolates (see below). The draft box design is now in from the designers.


Saturday, 12 April 2008


Following a number* of requests, we have been looking into the production of limited-edition Amateur Transplants merchandise. Just the usual things – T-shirts, caps, diaphragms, stoma bags, condoms, stoma bag condoms – and of course a range of bespoke luxury chocolates.

We are delighted to present forthwith the list of chocolates featuring in our new brand: ‘A Taste of Adam & Suman’

Strawberry Holocaust
Sputum Cup
Chocolate Disaster
Almond Phylaxis
Banana Reflux
Coconut Residue
Cockroach Crisp
Ebola Surprise
Barium Enigma
Bacon Creme
Oyster Supreme
Coffee Disappointment
Ball-bearing Surprise
Hazelnut Laxative

Available to order from the website soon.

* three


Wow, this is nice!

I'm going to be blogging here from now on instead of my old site - welcome if you've come from there... and welcome if you haven't.

I'll be bringing a few stories over from there, as well as writing new stuff.

Plus we're finishing off the next album (yes I know it's taking time - but once you've heard it you'll wonder understand why).

In my spare time I'm studying for yet more exams; recently I attended a lecture on Brain Surgery... the professor said, without a hint of irony that it's not Rocket Science. Hmm.

Enjoy the new site!
(Have a play with the iDoc music player & order your tickets for the gigs!)

Wednesday, 9 April 2008

And in 79th place...

It has been pointed out to me - thank you - that the Anaesthetist's Hymn has somehow become the 79th most viewed UK YouTube clip of all time.

999,345 of you have given up 1:49 of your lives to watch it. (Or one of you has given up just under three and a half years watching it.) In either case, thank you. In the second case, please see me after class.

We're teasingly close to a million hits on it - now here's your chance to win five Twixes (the largest prize we can award). Email us your screenshot - -  showing you're the millionth hit and win the jackpot. (Make sure the screenshot includes the time on the computer screen - because YouTube will automatically let us know the time we hit the big one.)

Ready... GO!

Monday, 7 April 2008

Brave new world

A new joint blog, a fabulous new website, a mailing list, a whole load new gigs. What a way to start 2008. Well, mid-April 2008.

Over the next few weeks we'll be importing the best bits from our old blogs and writing some brand new words. So watch this space...