Back from holiday.
It was lovely, thank you. Not quite tanned, but definitely off-white. (To be quite precise - and assuming the Dulux Colour Chart is a recognised scale - I'm Mill Flower W 142.)
I have learned two things whilst away.
First thing: the phrase about not judging a book by its cover does not apply to rural Spanish cafes. They should be judged.
Second thing: if you're at a spa you may well find yourself fresh out of the pool and lying on a heated sun lounger. This sensation of strange and localised warmth may prompt you to mention to your partner that it feels like you've shat yourself. Your partner will then point out that you have in fact shat yourself. This is embarrassing to explain to the spa staff. (I think the heat changes may have adversely affected my anal auto-regulation.)
PS. At time of press, a dozen tickets left for next week's Amateur Transplants and Enemies gig if you fancy - clickety tickety.