a) hungry, but too lazy to chew. You want Meat water
b) slightly malevolant, and want to wander round the world turning off TVs. You want TV B Gone.
c) keen to buy cement blocks from an extremely angry man. Here you go.
d) a priest wanting to pep up a sermon. You want to include some of the nuts bits of the Bible.
e) after a hotel room that looks like a cartoon. And here it is.
I think that's everything covered.